Time has past

 Its been 18 years since my last post. The statistics became true. The pressure of the situation I guess is what happens. I couldn't keep my family together. I am sure that I could have done more or could have done things differently to make a difference but I didn't. It just imploded and nothing I could do could change it. In the last 18 years I feel I lost my fatherhood. My identity as a parent is now only superficial. I promised my boy I would always be around but I wasn't. I fixated on the fact that I could never again read my children bedtime stories every night and gave up instead of taking advantage of every opportunity that I could to do that. 

I eventually ran away from the emotional carnage that I suppose now was inevitable. And this blog felt like a place I didn't belong to any more. So I stopped writing.

I felt I couldn't deal with the the thoughts in my head and I just ran. I took a project in South Africa which meant 3 weeks out of every 4, I could pretend I was ok. It was the most selfish thing I could have done, leaving Lucy & Josh without a father. I did that for 18 months. And when I came back I was even less of a parent than when I left.

I am not proud of how I handled the break up or the way I let Lucy & Josh become affected by it. I was a better parent at home but I never learnt how to be a separated parent.

Lucy is the strongest human being and is approaching her 22nd Birthday against all odds and Josh is 28, finished Uni with a Masters First in Astro Physics and now living and working in London and is the most beautiful man, I am very proud.

I have remarried and now live in Sydney, Australia. My wife Angharad has helped me to realise that there is life after trauma. But you need to accept that the trauma happened and work to move on from it. I struggle through this and probably always will.

Despite all of this, Lucy and Josh continue to be the most incredible, resilient human beings and I am so proud of them.