06Oct07 - Switches

We have been talking recently about the early events in Lucy's life and the automatic coping mechanisms that protect you and help you to comprehend all the information that is thrown at you. It is like there is a circuit board in your brain with switches to control the flow of emotions. When emotions are affected so deeply by all the worry, fear, anger, sadness and despair, something in the brain starts to turn those switches off. If this didn't happen the circuits would overload and the reality of the situation would be too much too handle. That is why in a previous blog I likened receiving devastating news in the ICU department about Lucy's future outlook to finding out that your plane is delayed by half an hour. Your senses are numbed to the point that you are able to accept information that in any other situation would cause you to break down. So we can be matter of fact about just about anything. In fact the last time Dawn was in an ambulance on her way to A&E, blue lights flashing, siren blaring, Lucy in the middle of a major fit, the paramedic commented on how calm Dawn was. So what, big deal, its just an ambulance, Lucy probably won't die, been there done it, what a hassle to have to go to hospital again!! Those are the thoughts that go through your head. The switches are off and the normal emotions are not getting through. This is all great and allows you to cope with just about anything but there are definitely side affects. Those emotions have nowhere to go so they just sit there slowly building up. Sometimes they slowly feed through and other times the switch goes on and they pour through. It is a constant cyclical process of build up and release although over time the same emotions and thoughts get gradually weaker as we learn to deal with them in different ways. The worst side affect is that through this process you are changed. Your feelings are weakened and you don't give the same thought to your own personal realtionships. You start to look inwardly because you have to protect yourself from anything that might add to your burden. It is over three years since our switches started getting turned off and we are only just realising that it happened at all. The difficulty is trying to find a way to turn them back on again. Maybe some of them will always remain switched off I don't know yet. I know there a things that I just don't care about anymore that once were important. There are situations which would have affected me that I simply avoid. The danger is that we become hollow and outwardly cold while inside the same turmoil just goes round and round waiting for the right connection. Before the switches can be left on for good, that turmoil has to be dealt with somehow and the only remedy I can see is time. Dawn and I are getting better at helping each other. In the beginning it was a disaster and we just ended up misunderstanding and upsetting each other. It has taken a while but we understand each other much better now and can start to move on. I like the idea of working to get those switches turned on again because it makes us think about the type of people we have become. It also gives us hope that as we gradually put our skeletons to bed we can work on those switches one at a time.