26Oct07 - Now and Then

I have recently been copying and updating photos onto our new computer and in the process have had to re-look at the photos we took from May to August 2004 of Lucy's first weeks. It surprised me how much they still affect us both. I had deliberately not looked at them for at least 2 years and seeing them again just brought it all back. All the false hope, anguish, worry, fear and despair. All the machines, nurses, doctors, consultants and alien medical language that we learnt to understand. The hassle of constantly travelling from home to the hospital, never having time to eat or talk. The feeling of helplessness, knowing that whatever was going to happen was completely out of our control. Shocked faces of visitors and the sounds of other parents weeping and sometimes nurses crying when a child in their care had died. The noise of your own footsteps on the long walk to the intensive care ward and wondering what you will find when you get there. Wires, tubes, syringes, beeping machines 24 hours a day and blood stains on the tiny cot sheets. Lucy's feet like tiny pin cushions from the daily blood tests and her cries of pain when we helped to hold her while they did it. All of these memories are still as fresh as if it was yesterday. It is easy to forget or overlook the significance of the start of Lucy's life and the profound impact it had on our lives and those of our close family. It was an awful period in our lives which will be with us forever. Some of the feelings, the fears and worries, for Lucy and for ourselves have not changed since then. As soon as we were out of hospital, suddenly everything was considered to be back to normal. Baby back home, life back to normal, phew that was a close one! Nothing normal has happened since and I can't see that normal is a word that can ever be used to describe the life we have now. I can't help resenting or feeling jealous of people who have normal children, in and out of hospital in a few days. They still complain of the hardship and the life changes just like we did when we had Joshua but my sympathy has gone and I just want to shout at them and tell them that they don't know how lucky they are. I know this is wrong and unfair, it is just how I feel. I made a short video which helps me to remember how close we came to losing Lucy, what we all went through and how lucky we should feel that she is with us at all. You can watch the video by following the link on the right in the sidebar or click here Lucy May - The First Weeks.

"Lucky Lucy" was great today, in a really good mood and happy. We all went out for a pub meal and I fed Lucy while we were there. She was so exhuasted that she fell asleep on my knee and stayed that way.

She has come such a long way from her unfortunate start in life. I sometimes wonder if we have moved on as far as she has.