Friday, 26 October 2007

26Oct07 - Now and Then

I have recently been copying and updating photos onto our new computer and in the process have had to re-look at the photos we took from May to August 2004 of Lucy's first weeks. It surprised me how much they still affect us both. I had deliberately not looked at them for at least 2 years and seeing them again just brought it all back. All the false hope, anguish, worry, fear and despair. All the machines, nurses, doctors, consultants and alien medical language that we learnt to understand. The hassle of constantly travelling from home to the hospital, never having time to eat or talk. The feeling of helplessness, knowing that whatever was going to happen was completely out of our control. Shocked faces of visitors and the sounds of other parents weeping and sometimes nurses crying when a child in their care had died. The noise of your own footsteps on the long walk to the intensive care ward and wondering what you will find when you get there. Wires, tubes, syringes, beeping machines 24 hours a day and blood stains on the tiny cot sheets. Lucy's feet like tiny pin cushions from the daily blood tests and her cries of pain when we helped to hold her while they did it. All of these memories are still as fresh as if it was yesterday. It is easy to forget or overlook the significance of the start of Lucy's life and the profound impact it had on our lives and those of our close family. It was an awful period in our lives which will be with us forever. Some of the feelings, the fears and worries, for Lucy and for ourselves have not changed since then. As soon as we were out of hospital, suddenly everything was considered to be back to normal. Baby back home, life back to normal, phew that was a close one! Nothing normal has happened since and I can't see that normal is a word that can ever be used to describe the life we have now. I can't help resenting or feeling jealous of people who have normal children, in and out of hospital in a few days. They still complain of the hardship and the life changes just like we did when we had Joshua but my sympathy has gone and I just want to shout at them and tell them that they don't know how lucky they are. I know this is wrong and unfair, it is just how I feel. I made a short video which helps me to remember how close we came to losing Lucy, what we all went through and how lucky we should feel that she is with us at all. You can watch the video by following the link on the right in the sidebar or click here Lucy May - The First Weeks.

"Lucky Lucy" was great today, in a really good mood and happy. We all went out for a pub meal and I fed Lucy while we were there. She was so exhuasted that she fell asleep on my knee and stayed that way.

She has come such a long way from her unfortunate start in life. I sometimes wonder if we have moved on as far as she has.


Anonymous said...

Have just had some time to sit and catch up on the Lucy Blog and have just watched your video Neil. It certainly took me back to that time when we were all waiting anxiously for updates from you from the hospital and initially never anticipating the outcome that followed. My first thought on watching the video was what a pretty little baby she was and what a pretty little girl she still is (loved the picture of her on your lap) but then all the other emotions flooded in - sorrow for all the heartache and worry you have had and guilt that I have taken my 2 girls health for granted and then an oveerall thought that life is not fair but maybe there is a grand scheme of things that we are not aware of and cannot understand. Lucy has come a long way and whether you have also come as far or not doesn't matter because you have both worked very hard to ahieve all her milestones and you should be pround of yourselves.Also all that side that you have done a great job with Josh.
Love Maryxxxx

Cousin Rachel said...

Making my comment debut! Although I am annoyed to find that my mum has stolen a lot of my thoughts already, about how gorgeous lucy is. And I'd like to say you're both an inspiration to me. But what struck me most about your video (which was beautiful) were the pictures with Josh. It's amazing to see how he's grown in the past 3 years, and not just height. I think of other boys his age and they can be so obnoxious and ignorant and, well, childish. And then Josh, he's still such a cool kid, but he has so much more understanding of life than most boys his age. I'm not sure I'm managing to put this as well as I'd like, or if I'm getting across what I mean. I'm just very proud of him. I really wish we didn't live so far and I could see you more, and help, if I could. Give Josh a big kiss from me lol - hope I haven't embarrassed him too much! I look forward to seeing you when you come to stay soon- I still owe you a chocolate cake! Lots of love Cousin Rach xxx

Neil said...

Thanks so much for your comments. It is nice to know you are there even if you are far away. Looking forward to seeing you in a couple of weeks when we come down to the clinic with Lucy