01Oct07 - Life's a Rollercoaster

I often compare our lives to riding a big dipper, but I think it is more like riding two or three rollercoasters at the same time. Lucy has always kept us on our toes because just when she is doing really well and we start to feel good about her progress she throws in another wild card and we hurtle down into her next dip. At the same time both Dawn and myself are on our own individual rollercoaster rides. We do a pretty good job of being positive, getting on with life and keeping our emotions in check. We manage and control this in different ways but on the whole we cope pretty well together. From time to time reality hits, something happens or maybe just some surpressed feeling surfaces and it sends us down into the next big dip with little warning. In the first months of Lucy's life this white knuckle ride was so violent that we didn't really have much time to think about it it but now we are getting used to the ride it is becoming easier to predict when the next dip is coming. However this doesn't make the ride any easier because each time you go down the same dip it is just like the first time all over again. Although we are on similar rides our highs and lows don't always coincide. It is only natural that we are affected in different ways and have developed different coping mechanisms. For this reason we can often misunderstand each other or fail to see each others dips and it is then that it becomes more difficult to offer each other support. We are getting better at riding each others rollercoasters and have learned that is ok that they are not the same. We have had to also learn to communicate again because communicating and listening while riding a rollercoaster is not easy especially when you are screaming your lungs out. There are no real ways to make the dips less steep or slow down the ride and we know that we can't change that. We also don't want to hear from each other how the other rollercoaster is faster, scarier or more extreme, we just want to talk about our own experience of the ride, unload and forget, until we have to ride it again. Next time we get to that part of the ride it might not seem so bad but if it does then we can talk about it again. Sometimes it is difficult not to draw comparisons between the rides but we are learning that this is less important than just talking about our own because that helps more.

We have both recognised that no matter how strong a relationship is, cast into a situation like ours, you could understand if the relationship broke down. We also know plenty of examples where this has happened. If I was to offer advice it would be: don't expect your partner to understand how you feel; don't expect your partner to cope in the same way; its ok to be different; don't feel bad if your partner can't talk to you it will happen when the time is right; be patient; if you feel like your partner is taking it out on you probably there is nobody else to take it out on or to talk to; listen more than you talk; when you do talk, let it all out it helps; yes it is not fair; care about yourself; its ok to be sad; its ok to be angry; its ok to cry; its ok to feel happy; don't try to fix it all the time; its not your fault; happiness is infectious try a smile; know that being together is the very best way to get through it; remember when you met and why you are together; this is a job for two not for one; your life together will be enriched by this and things will get better.